Skagway wildlife spotlight

The bald eagle

Regal. Majestic. Noble. These are words often used to describe the bald eagle. Not only is the bald eagle America’s spirit animal, but it is also revered as a symbol of freedom. However, it may come as a surprise to hear that the bald eagle is a terrifying flying miscreant hell-bent on thievery and deception. Let’s take an intimate look at the devious bald eagle in today’s Skagway wildlife spotlight.

The bald eagle – nature’s cheat

Many shiny things that seem beautiful on the outside are actually hiding the ugliness within. The bald eagle looks quite beautiful, whether perched in its nest or flying high in the sky. The bald eagle’s white head seems to gaze deep into our subconscious, stirring a primordial sense of wonder that makes us ponder lost frontiers and wild places. Its wings carry it upon wind currents as it gazes down upon us, stirring our imagination to wonder what it would be like to live so unencumbered. What you can’t see is that the bald eagle is straight-up trash.

You may envision the bald eagle as a mighty hunter, diving on unsuspecting prey and gripping it with its talons. The truth is that the eagle is just a two-bit thief that steals from true predators. If it can’t find some other animal to rip off, it will succumb to eating trash or carrion. The bald eagle is one big jerk-face.

Even our founding fathers hated bald eagles

You may think the founding fathers loved bald eagles, which is why they’re often portrayed as the symbol of our country. Nope. This is what Benjamin Franklin had to say about bald eagles when he wasn’t out flying kites in lightning storms…

“For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.”

Old Ben was right. If there were a bird jail, bald eagles would all be locked up. Fun Fact: you may think that bald eagles got their name because their head appears “bald.” You would be wrong. The word “bald” used to mean “white,” so there is no reason for a bald eagle to use Propecia or wear a wig.

Let me tell you a story about the terrible bald eagle

Whenever I catch a fish, some stupid eagle tries to steal it. Even before I land the fish, an eagle will start circling overhead or land in a tree, which is how they case the joint. One time I landed a trout and the eagle came right at my face with its razor-sharp talons ready to peel the skin from my skull. I ducked just in time to prevent permanent disfigurement. The eagle seemed to fly off so I gutted my trout, laid it on the shore, and started fishing again. That’s when that no-good eagle swooped in out of nowhere and stole it!

Another time I watched an otter catch a Dungeness crab. It was all happy and getting ready to eat when a lousy bald eagle attacked from overhead and stole his crab. Lazy! On another occasion, I saw an eagle attack, kill, and eat a seagull, but they’re kind of annoying too so I wasn’t really that upset.

Seeing an eagle is cool if you’re on a tour. We wish you could take them with you.

If there were a way to send every tourist home with their own stinking bald eagle, we would do it in a heartbeat. If you’re hoping to see a bald eagle on your tour, we wish you the best of luck. They do make for great photos because you can’t see their inherent evil on the outside. But now you know the truth.