Yikes! What kind of bug is that?

Alaska has no snakes or poisonous spiders, but there are plenty of bugs that could creep out from under a rock at any given moment. Because Alaska’s climate is so severe and unpredictable, swarms of bugs can suddenly appear from out of nowhere just because a ray of light pops out from behind the clouds. In today’s blog, we are going to take a look at some of the more exotic bugs you could see while you’re on an Alaska cruise.

Should you smash that bug?

I guess it depends. If a stupid mosquito is sucking away the lifeblood from your face, smack it flat with anger in your heart. However, a beautiful butterfly flitting from flower to flower probably isn’t hurting anything, so leave it alone. You know, if butterflies didn’t have colorful wings, they would be nothing more than a grotesque cockroach with a giant hose-like nose. If that were the case, I may be more into smashing them.

The bald-faced hornet

If I said I liked this bug, it would be a bald-faced lie. If you see any of these black and white agents of horror, steer clear. If you disturb their nest, they will attack and sting you over and over again until you cry for your mother. Do you know what I like about hornets? Nothing. I saw one of these things on my tent one time and at first, I thought it was a hummingbird. Nope. It was a horror hornet of death. I have little patience for giant hornets so I ran away.

Brown Marmorated Stink Bug

I have no idea what marmorated means. I do, however, know what a stink bug is. It’s a bug that stinks. If you smash a stink bug, it stinks worse, so just leave it alone. You could see a stink bug just about anywhere in Alaska because they get around. Unless you like bad smells I wouldn’t try looking for one.

Carpenter ants

Carpenter ants in Alaska are about the same size as a VW bus. They also seem to appear out of nowhere. One minute, you’re enjoying a picnic lunch by your favorite fishing hole. The next minute, you are suddenly engulfed by the looming shadow of a 50-foot tall ant. Who has time for that? Not me. I’m staying indoors from now on.

Common Greenbottle Fly

There are more species of fly in Alaska than there are people wearing Extra Tuffs. One species of fly is the common greenbottle fly. How do scientists even tell the difference between all of these flies? They look the same and they’re disgusting, especially when 50 of them are lodged in the webbing of my fly swatter. I really hate flies.

White sock

This is a terrible bug. It is all of your worst nightmares rolled up into one tiny little package of fright. When this bug lands on you, it injects a numbing agent into your skin so you can’t feel it’s three-pronged proboscis forcing its way into your delicate flesh. Once inside, it opens like a jagged flower and stays in place with razor-sharp barbs as the white sock feasts on your blood. Because of the numbing agent, you have no idea. When you suddenly feel the sharp, stinging pain, the white sock is long gone, denying you the satisfaction of smashing its freakish compound eyes into a pancake. About 5 minutes later, the itching makes you want to jump off a high cliff into freezing water. Then the whole bite swells up for days, which is really great if you get tagged on the face 48 hours before the prom. Do you know why it swells up? Because of fecal matter bacteria on the white sock’s proboscis.

Bugs suck.