10 better names for things in Alaska

It’s weird how things have names and we just accept those names without ever giving it a second thought. But how do things get their names, and why? Sometimes it’s obvious like calling a bird that makes a humming noise a hummingbird. Sometimes it makes no sense, like calling a bird with white features on its head a bald eagle. That’s not what “bald” means! In today’s blog, we are going to come up with 10 better names for things found in Alaska. Smart!

Who the heck gets to name everything?

I have no idea who gets to name everything. Sometimes people name things after themselves, like how William Healy Dall named Dall sheep and Dall porpoise after himself. If you go around naming everything after yourself, not only is your ego ridiculously overblown but you’re also lacking in creativity. William Dall was obviously a terrible narcissist because those sheep and porpoise were around long before his big head showed up on the scene. Figure it out, Dall!

And away we go!

Real name: Hoary marmot. Hoary marmot is a terrible name for all sorts of reasons. I don’t know whether they’re promiscuous or not, but marmot is a dumb word. I think they are cute. They also live in the mountains and I’m guessing they are rodents. Suggested name: Fluffy mountain rat.

Real name: Spectacled eider. Huh? Is this some kind of joke? Who names an animal with either of these words? This big duck is very pretty and plump. Why complicate things? Suggested name: Fatty Cracker Snacker

Real name: Dall sheep. This guy. So, the animal is a sheep for sure. We’ve been through the rest of this sordid story. Suggested name: Spiral horned mutton chop.

Real name: Northern pike. zzzzzzzzz…… Oh, sorry. This animal name is so boring it made me fall asleep. Plus, you can catch northern pike down south, which makes this name stupid as well. This is a mighty gamefish with a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth. Suggested name: Torpedo death shark.

Real name: River otter. Man alive, is this name dumb. I see river otters in the ocean and in lakes more than I see them in rivers. They’re very cute and I like them a lot. Suggested name: Scrunchy faced otter.

Real name: Lupine. You’ve seen these purple flowers all over the place during the spring. I don’t know what lupine means and I don’t have enough patience to find out. Dumb name for a fun plant. Suggested name: Purple petal sword.

Real name: Glacier. I guess it’s not a bad name. I’m just not a fan. A lot of people mistake icebergs for glaciers because the name lacks pizzazz. Suggested name: Game of Thrones Wall.

Real name: Stellar’s Jay. Here we go again. Some jerk named Georg Steller “discovered” this bird that was around for thousands of years before he came to Alaska, so he named it after himself. And he couldn’t even spell “George” correctly! He also got a sea eagle named after him. Suggested name: Squawky Mohawkey.

Real name: Humpback whale. Very insensitive. The person who named this whale was definitely not woke. Suggested name: Blowhole krill smasher.

Real name: Bald eagle. Dumb name for a dumb bird. These awful thieves stole a trout from me and I will never get over it. Suggested name: Dumpster trash flapper.

Naming things is a lot of fun when it’s done right. Thanks for joining us today and learning all about this interesting topic.